So, a person you care about and love just informed you that they are polyamorous. Maybe it is your childhood friend or your workmate. Maybe it is a person you are thinking about dating. “But starting a polyamorous relationship is complicated,” you are wondering.
Polyamory or poly is about being intimate with at least three people, honestly, and openly. Polyamorous people usually use the equivalence of loving kids; of course, you might have three or four children and love all of them, and hence you can love three or four adults.
Five Questions to Ask
Here are five questions that you need to ask yourself before starting a polyamorous relationship.
How Do I Want My Poly Relationship to Look Like?
There are a lot of combinations of polyamory relationships; hence you should choose the one that suite you need. This is one of the factors that make polyamorous relationships appealing to most individuals (including myself). They are less rigid in expectations and guidelines than monogamous relationships.
It is vital to figure out how you want your poly relationship to look like, beforehand. What you dream relationship? How will you manage casual dating? How will you have safe sex? What if you fall in love and want to commit to one or two partners?
These details might evolve and change over time, but it’s crucial you have some ideas or specifications on how you want your relationship to look like.
What is My Motivation for Wanting a Polyamorous Relationship?
If you are looking for a lifestyle that suite you and your perfect one happens to be a poly relationship, then that’s awesome. However, simply engaging in this kind of relationship for lifestyle motivation isn’t enough.
Moreover, simply trying to fix a “falling” relationship by adding another person won’t be a good motivation – and from what I came to learn, this won’t end well. Also, people who might have struggled in customary monogamous relationships might find that polyamory relationships are more appealing.
If it is more of your preference, as opposed to you or/and your partner trying to patch things up through adding a third partner, then it is highly likely you will enjoy a polyamorous relationship.
Do I Get Jealous?
Okay, jealousy is normal. I also get a little jealous when I see someone I am in love with flirting with another individual – will all do. However, if you cannot get past jealousy and be okay with it, then poly might not be your thing.
This doesn’t mean that poly people don’t get jealous. But when it occurs, they talk about it and resolve the issue. The individual feeling jealous is asked to review their psyche to determine what is bothering them and which needs they are being deprived. Then the quad, triad, or pair can set the boundaries.
Am I Possessive?
This is not a good thing – unless all parties are in agreement about it – and is especially stressful in a polyamorous relationship. If you find yourself getting really angry when you find your partner flirting with another person, then poly won’t be your thing.
Am I Willing to Engage in Total Honesty?
In a monogamous relationship, there is (idyllically) nothing to lie about since (again, idyllically) each person behaves in a manner that they feel it respects the other person’s wishes, often including not having sexual relationships or kissing another person.
In a polyamorous relationship, introducing another party is sometimes hard at first, and must involve communication and total honesty between all the parties affected. If you realize that you cannot be 100% truthful with your partner – or that you might feel uncomfortable or guilty – then that’s a clear warning sign.
On the flipside, if you are genuine, personally attracted to the poly lifestyle and feel you can follow the rules of communication, respectfulness, and honesty, then it might be a good choice for you.
The rule for Starting a Polyamorous Relationship
If you find that all the answers to the questions above are favoring you, then you can begin to make a plan of starting a poly relationship. But there is a rule that you should know before you even enter into this relationship.
Speak Before Spoken To
Do you recall that childhood rules of “don’t speak unless you are spoken to”? We would run up to our mothers while they are speaking and start in, “mum, mum, mum, look, mum, look…”
And then they would look at us and tell us to stop interrupting them. Well, a polyamorous relationship isn’t like that.
Speak before spoken to simply means that you shouldn’t keep information or secrets to yourself. Whether it is texting, sexting, calling, or meeting someone or looking at a dating site.
Disclose 99.99% of Everything
To begin, explain what you are up to (to your lover) in a way that they feel as if they are right there with you, seeing everything, but without them really seeing anything. You can maintain your privacy but if your partner was to see something and get shocked, you probably didn’t explain well enough. Give the details here.
For instance, there is a big difference between “I am texting a person” and “I am getting their nudes”.
If your reaction to speak before spoke to is, “But, I do not want to get into any private activity if I start to see other people,” well, that 100% okay.
3 Main Choices
However, as a starter, you have 3 main choices:
- Don’t try polyamorous relationship until you are ready to communicate effectively.
- Don’t engage in activities that you will find hard to explain.
- Suck it up.
I am sorry if you aren’t ready for these things, but if you are not willing to explore outside your communication comfort zone, poly isn’t a thing for you. This is an activity that is explored outside people’s comfort zone.
As a starter, you really don’t know if starting a polyamorous relationship is the thing for you. This is especially true if you are in a committed relationship, but you can always try out and if things don’t work out, hit the ejection button and leave before you destroy your relationship.